The Ring vs. The Grudge

Hey, here's one that's long overdue!

'The Ring vs. The Grudge' is a 2016 horror film (originally titled 'Sadako vs. Kayako' - and initially, merely an April Fool's gag) which, if you haven't already guessed, pits the main antagonists from said franchises against one another in a fight to the death ... uhm, undeath? Most horrific cat fight of all time?
I understand your potential confusion and sexual frustration, but I assure you that the powers-that-be came up with a solution to this roadblock.

By the way, when I use the term 'franchise', I really mean it. There are currently 13 Grudge and 7 Ring films altogether (American bastardizations included), with shitty sequels and reboots planned as we speak (because fuck taking your time to do something right or original).
Now's probably a good time for me to mention the fact that I've only ever watched two and a half of the aforementioned movies.

I absolutely loved the American remake of 'The Ring' (the cinematography was as gorgeous as anything from Picasso's 'Blue Period'). Its direct sequel was trash and I must've slept through 85% of the American grudge.

Honestly, I'm not even a fan of horror films (blame my attention span, but I blame their boringness and predictability), but I do wish more crossover 'vs' movies would be made.
This is about as fun as this genre gets for yours truly.

The first half of the film is wasted as we witness a young woman watching Sadako's cursed video (WE don't get to see the video itself, of course...) and her subsequent search for a remedy to prevent her impending doom. Yes, we have to go through that old story again, and no, it isn't particularly fun or engaging if you already know how this goes.
We also get a meager splattering of Kayako sprinkled here and there just to string us along before anyone decides to walk out and demand a goddamn refund.

Fortunately -or unfortunately- the halfway point is where we're introduced to the only interesting characters in the entire movie - and likely the entire Ring/Grudge universe - I'm assuming!

Keizo is a young, disheveled man who walks tough and gives no fucks because he's seen some shit.
Tamao is a younger (pre-tween) girl who is blind and hasn't seen as much shit, but, she's psychic (which is actually kind of a sweet trade-off)!
Together, they form a team of 'evil ghost' ass-kickers, and I love them! Their expertise gets me wondering how many evil ghosts they've had to deal with before, though.
Hey! Somebody should give this pair their own movie series...

In his introduction, Keizo crosses paths with whatsherface and her best friend (the "protagonists" of this movie) and decides to help them. Shortly thereafter (and I'm talking within minutes!), Keizo manages to impressively/effortlessly/hilariously capture Sadako's spirit inside a freaking potato sack. Yeah, it's ridiculous, but I'm still loving it.
And *that* is when he gets the bright idea of sending our useless protagonist to Kayako so that both evil spirits can fight it out to see which of them can torture her in cold Japanese hell for eternity.

In hindsight, it really is piss-poor planning to assume that both evil spirits would eliminate each other at the same time, instead of coming to the logical conclusion that the 'winner' would still destroy the main character's soul.

Anyway, here's where I take a quick break to slam down a grade.
Continue reading for a quick summary, followed by ending spoilers.

Final Grade: D

The biggest problem with this movie is its atrocious pacing. Even when it's "good", the characters move at the pace of green algae growing on a sloth's fur, which is especially needless when we all know where this movie is ultimately headed.
It seriously isn't until an hour and a fucking half before the showdown between vengeful spirits commences! What's left of my popcorn is long cold and those tough pieces are already getting stuck between my teeth.

Sure, you could correctly argue that any good movie requires a buildup of suspense in order to get a proper climax, but we've had these movies building up for over a decade, each! We don't need to see Spider-Man's origin story each reboot, and we didn't buy tickets to see a watered-down origin story for a mediocre protagonist whose death and damnation we are excitedly rooting for!

To top it off, the "fighting" is as bare-bones as can be (they barely even look at one another, let alone make actual metaphysical contact) and it's not the slightest bit satisfying.
An actual cat fight would've been far more interesting to watch, and it's a real damn shame because the potential is definitely there.

To finally spoil the climax, the end sequence sees both ghosts run up to each other and collide in nearly slapstick fashion.
This results in a fusion of the two (of course it does!) with the birth of 'Sadakaya'.

While I love the idea and what it could mean for an actual sequel, the whole damn thing falls apart in a largely failed product.
People who are entirely new to both characters may still find this movie worth their time, as may hardcore fans, but if you're looking for something like Freddy vs. Jason, expect to be unimpressed.
The only reason this didn't get a 'Failure' grade from me is because of the introduction of Keizo and Tamao, but even their contributions were far too little, and much too late.

Sausage Party

I had a pretty good idea of what to expect even before I considered whether or not I'd be willing to watch this movie.
Basically 'VeggieTales' with equally outdated graphics, plenty of awful puns and a side order of double (triple?) entendres.
Not really a movie I was dying to go see, but many of us ( and I stand at the front of the line, here) will rightfully complain about Hollywood's lack of original material to work with.
Still, I would rather watch this than the 'Ghostbusters' reboot because I am a man of principle!
So how did it go? Read on; I'm saving the big spoilers for the closing paragraphs.

Right off the bat, the story is introduced with a quick musical number ... which brings me to my first small complaint. Not the fact that there's a song at the beginning - though thankfully there are only 2 or 3 songs in the whole thing.
That alone didn't surprise me, and I even thought it a good idea to start off the story on a "higher note".
The bigger and recurring problem is that you're continuously bombarded with many quick gags which can be a real struggle to keep up with. You'll try to stay focused enough to "get" the inside jokes in between endless fast cuts, but if you're not thinking at lightning speed you'll definitely miss jokes you'll only get on a second or third viewing.
Spoilers: To be perfectly clear, I'll likely never sit down to watch this again in this lifetime.

So the story is as bland as an ungarnished 4th of July hot dog, but it makes what little sense it requires. Basically, food items daydream about the day they'll be chosen to be taken home, completely unaware that they're meant for human consumption.

Truth be told, I was completely onboard during the first half of the movie. The best and most satisfying act being a straight-up horror-movie scene which takes place when a woman puts down her groceries in the kitchen and starts preparing dinner. And then it all goes downhill from there.
The story, surprisingly, builds upon a solid foundation, but the second half feels too rushed and not as well blueprinted as the beginning.

Now, what you absolutely have to understand is the fact that this movie was made by several men-children. Being one myself, I can truly appreciate a really stupid movie if it's executed properly - especially considering the cast of voice actors involved.
This film is stuffed with plenty of offensive and politically incorrect humor, and I have to give the boys credit for pushing the envelope. The racist stereotypes and lgbt jokes as we travel along the ethnic food aisles can almost be described as "charming", even!
Unfortunately, certain jokes are uncomfortable to try to laugh at and are downright tasteless. It truly makes me wonder what -if anything- ended up getting scrapped for being too extreme.

I feel it a real problem when a film -or artist, or ... anyone, really- takes itself too seriously. In my eyes, however, it's an even bigger problem when you don't take yourself seriously enough. I can almost picture all of the talented idiots who put this together lighting up a joint and laughing to themselves,
"Bro! Can you believe, bro, the stupid bullshit we're putting out there that people are actually going to pay money to see??"
{insert awkward Seth Rogen laugh}

And it's an honest-to-god shame because even silly and immature shows like 'South Park' have proven to contain enough merit to teach certain life lessons. Sausage Party sets itself up as a story about standing up for what you believe even when the rest of the world seems to think otherwise.
It talks about the dangers of blind faith and surpasses even *that* concept by teaching about being sensitive enough to the feelings of those around you because their beliefs are as equally valid as your own. And if you wish to open their eyes to a 'higher truth', you'll be far more successful through civilized conversation rather than violent hate or derogatory speech.

Yes, this film actually reaches for that level of deepness if you're receptive enough, but then it shits on itself as it begs for laughs with a few too many gross-out gags.
Again, I'm not advocating for censorship! It just would've been an improved product had it enough self-respect to take itself a bit more seriously.

Spoilers below the grade and graphic below....

Final Grade: C+

Another serious highlight for my inner teenager was the living, breathing douche nozzle who becomes a serious antagonist as a Jersey Shore monster who literally consumes his fellow shopping products in order to grow stronger and more terrifying. Truly a character I loved too much to hate.
That said, the violent rape scene went too far for my liking and will definitely set off triggers in the audience.

Unfortunately, the filmmakers decided to go out with a bang - a dizzying gangbang which jackhammers on for too long and easily takes the cake for being one of the lowest points in the history of cinema.
A "sex scene" was certainly expected -if you can call it that- but a full-blown CGI-food orgy will lamentably make your ticket price seem all the more expensive for the laughs.

One Piece

I've reviewed this gorgeous gem once before (indeed, it was the first official review I published on the previous version of this blog), but I find it imperative to revisit it once more, with feeling!

One Piece is a Japanese manga comic penned by Eiichiro Oda which began its weekly run way back in 1997 and continues to this day. With an impressive 824 chapters at the time of this typing, the series also boasts a rounded estimate of approximately 850 named characters (canon, and not including characters from non-official 'filler' material).
Statistically speaking, that's about a new character in every chapter!

In all sincerity, it's my favorite thing ever and a major influence on my own writings. And if I didn't point this out last time, it's also where the banner on this blog originates. Let's dive straight into the story, though.

This epic adventure commences as Luffy (a dopey and hungry young man of 17, our main protagonist and pronounced 'Lou-Fee') sets off on his own in search of adventure and legendary treasure, determined to become the Pirate King of the World. Certainly an ambitious goal if there ever was one, but you start believing it may be possible when he knocks out a gigantic eel monster (several times Luffy's size) with a swift punch to the side of the face by the end of the first chapter.
Wait ... how?? Well, because his body is made of rubber and he can stretch his limbs long distances and snap them like rubberbands in order to fight.

Insane as this already sounds, everything else in the living and hyperventilating world of 'One Piece' becomes much more surreal, absurd and wonderfully chaotic. As you may have already guessed, this is a show in which many characters exhibit supernatural powers and mutant abilities as they do in shows like 'Heroes' and 'X-Men'. Capabilities which in instances are considerably more terrifying than a stretchy, rubber body could ever be.
The ability to manifest into deadly poisonous gas, for example. Or transforming into one of several ferocious and carnivorous beasts. Another, it turns out, is the powerful ability to create and control strings - much more frightening than you'd initially imagine.

But there also exist lesser-scary and more peculiar abilities, such as the ability which allows an animal to gain human attributes, the ability to turn into a giant, golden Buddha statue, or the ability to turn real-life objects (and people) into works of abstract art.
When it comes down to it, Luffy has to find ways to become strong enough to overcome (through physical battles, or otherwise) people who are ridiculously strong in their own right and ready to fight for their own beliefs. Sometimes, it happens by inadvertently converting enemies into friends or allies - the lives of which he values above all else and will risk his own in order to defend.

That's the basic premise, but the entire story as it steadily approaches the 1,000 chapter milestone is enormous as new and interesting plot elements are constantly introduced which manage to intrigue and shuffle alliances around enough to make every plot point as unpredictable as can be.
This is without even mentioning all of the political, sociological and philosophical aspects which become surprisingly complex within the main story. Nor have I touched upon the remainder of the dozen or so main protagonists which join, fight and sail with Luffy under his flag -including a cyborg, a living skeleton and a reindeer- else this entry would go on forever.

Ok, great. So it's a whimsical tale about a bunch of kids playing pirates (traveling an insane world from snowy islands to islands in the skies, and an island made of cake) and fighting grown adults who want to see them dead.
Fantastic!

My most favorite thing about the story (aside from the fact that it's the only thing which often brings me close to tears) is how seriously it takes the concept of cause and effect.
If you choose to live a benevolent life of crime by sailing under a pirate flag, the government and their monstrous officials will hunt you down to put an end to your fun adventures.
Cause enough mayhem and a bounty will be put on your head (the biggest of which are displayed with great pride) until you're brought to "justice" by being sentenced to a hellish, inescapable, underwater prison.
In short, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
It's literary physics, people!

Some of the most entertaining and satisfying scenes occur in between story arcs whenever the heroes of the story receive increments in their bounties and all of their friends and family members (as well as deadly adversaries) see their faces in the newspapers and respond accordingly with shock, laughter or absolute fury.

That said, I do have one significant criticism which the author inexplicably does not apply the 'cause & effect' rule to, and that is the concept of death. For a story in which great danger lurks within and around every island, the story contains numerous instances in which characters are implied to have died a certain death but somehow manage to survive through some bullshit reason.
It annoys me to no end, but it's about my biggest complaint in this magnificent tale which I'd recommend everyone to read.

On that last note: there's also an animated version of this incredibly popular series, of course. It contains fantastic visuals, an amazing score of classical music and brightly colorful voice acting and thus I'd also be inclined to recommend watching the show, but be aware that the pacing after the first 300 or so episodes (out of 737) can sometimes really drag (so that the show doesn't catch up to the published comic). The grading here will be for the comic book, specifically.

Final Grade: A+

Deadpool

For those of us who tend to live our lives out of the fucking loop, Deadpool is a 2016 comic book film about Wade Wilson - a crass, wise-ass mercenary and assassin who kills all of the bad guys and gets all the ladies.
Before going any further, but I must declare it a real treat to finally get an R-rated movie of this magnitude up on the big screen, which modern movie studios have been aiming to avoid for the longest time, now.

So should you run out and catch it while it's still playing in theaters?
Well, not so fast....

The action and the humor are most definitely there and pulled off with finesse (though I did feel the editing was a bit choppy and not quite so seamless in regards to frame continuity), but the execs at the film studios did manage to commit what is -in my personal view- a terrible sin. More on this later.

Concerning Deadpool himself, his mutant powers are nothing to write home to grandma about. Like Wolverine, he has top-notch regenerative abilities, but that's it as far as the movie made clear to me. He certainly displays great agility and skill with guns and blades, but I suspect it's supposed to be the results of his own personal training.
His most special ability, however, is his breaking of the fourth wall. Ridiculous as it sounds, it's perfectly fine when it's a wink or a nudge here and there, but I found it to happen annoyingly often in this film.

Another thing that irked me throughout the film was how anyone failed to mention what the specific powers of the supporting cast were supposed to be. I remember something about the main villain being unable to feel any pain (bo-ring!!), and his main assistant is a really strong woman, but come on!!
A great deal of us appreciate it when these characters are accompanied with more colorful descriptions!
But perhaps I just fell asleep at some point and missed it (guys, I'm old! I definitely caught myself nodding off for a few seconds right in the middle of the slowest scene. Also, I was at the 2:30pm matinee showing....).

That said, Deadpool himself almost has too much buildup for my own personal taste. We weave back and forth between current ass-kickings and backstory one too many times, resulting in a slower pace than the trailers would have you expect, and all of the fun and games lead to the early climax of the film just as the DMX track hits to warm up our engines.

All things considered, it's still a solid Hollywood movie with excellent casting (this is the role Ryan Reynolds was born to play - for better or worse) and very much worth watching ... sort of.
My biggest problem with this movie (unexpectedly) turned out to be just how well it was promoted by the marketing department.

Ads for the film have been up all over the place and it's certainly helped it achieve box office success as it's currently the highest grossing R-rated film of all damn time.
What this all means is that if you've been keeping an eye on the previews and tv spots then you've pretty much watched all of the highlights from the movie before you even sit down to open up your gummy bears.
I sincerely left disappointed having heard most of the jokes ad nauseum and with a lack of genuine surprises and chimichanga references by the time the credits rolled.

I feel it would've been a smarter move to include more of the backstory in the trailers and just remove them from the actual movie.
If you're old enough to remember, this was a tactic Pixar used to great effect (in the past) in order to give audiences a taste of what types of lovable character personalities to expect even if they provided zero details pertaining to any plot or conflicts.

If you've watched the previews for Deadpool, the biggest surprise will likely be the mandatory Stan Lee cameo - which is admittedly my favorite so far.
I still look forward to the sequel, but I'll have to avoid watching any and all commercials for it before it releases.

Final Grade: B+